Saturday, December 31, 2005

People That Need To GO AWAY In 2006

With 2005 coming to a close, I thought I’d come up with an interesting list… a list of people that simply should GO AWAY for 2006.

I don’t mean "go away" as in something BAD to happen to them (although I’ll admit to having some rather graphic suggestions to SOME of these people on the list)… I just mean they should simply fade away to obscurity and never pop up in the topic of human conversation ever again.

Unfortunately, some of these folks WILL NOT go away, and I’ll also give the reasons why…

Kevin Federline: Also known as "K-Fed" to his spin doctors… and to the legions of Britney Spears idols who are still getting over the fact that this loser somehow managed to worm his way into the pop-tease’s heart, marry her, and then knocked her up with a kid. Now he thinks that he can be a big star in 2006.

Well let’s not forget who K-RAP is… he’s a backup dancer whose only claim to fame, other than being the boy-toy to a pop-tart, was being in the movie "You Got Served". He WAS dating a girl, knocked her up, then dumped her WHILE she was knocked up with his SECOND tax exemption just so he could leach onto Britney’s celeb status.

Well you can kiss Britney’s career goodbye now that she’s gone the "mommy track". Granted, her star was fading anyway, so she really had two choices: either be a mommy or pose for Playboy. Sadly, she chose the former.

So now Britney wants to pop out a second tax exemption, which of course helps K-RUD because that means he gets to have more sex. And it also means that she’s not going to eclipse him in his so-called "music career". So now he gets to go on the Internet and pretend to be this "hip" rap artist named "K-Fed".

Well I’ve got four words for you K-Poser: VANILLA ICE-ICE-BABY. The only people who are overjoyed about you turning Britney into another one of your spawning machines are the other pop-teases. I’m sure Jessica Simpson and her sister are overjoyed that Britney is out of the picture, because now these two are on the top of the pop heap.

You have to wonder if he was the guy Kanye West was talking about in "Gold digger" of the guy who was "doing the dishes".

Why he won’t go away: simple… he’s now part of the Britney Spears spin machine, and even if his music career flops (and it probably will) as long as he stays with her, he’ll in the media’s radar.

Ralph Reed: Sound familiar? Sure… in the 1990’s this was the baby-faced leader of the Christian Coalition who claimed they were the ones who put the GOP in control of the Congress, and that they were now beholden to him and his legions of bible-thumpers.

Wonder where he went? Well he spent a few years whoring himself out as a political consultant, and now he’s decided to run for the Lieutenant-Governor position here in Georgia.

Of course he’s got a HUGE albatross on his neck to deal with named Jack Abramoff. Turned out that Mr. Reed, the epitome of "family values", was brought in to rally the bible-thumpers to get the federal government to deny a permit for an Indian Casino… on behalf of RIVAL Indian Casino.

Oh, Mr. "Family Values" SWORE that he had NO IDEA that his buddy Abramoff was working for LEGALIZED GAMBLING… but the Atlanta Journal-Constitution pulled out a few emails that proved otherwise. Oops!

Hey, I’ll tell you what… I have no problem with Ralph Reed selling his supporters to Abramoff… and I really think that it shouldn’t disqualify him as a candidate for the job… as long as he and the other people in Georgia recognize what he was at the time: a POLITICAL PROSTITUTE. That’s what a "political consultant" is about. He sold his services to whomever would pay the bills… in this case to a man who represented a casino. If anything, the people who should be pissed off about this are the bible-thumpers who got hoodwinked into working for that rival casino. They thought they were operating out of a good and moral cause, and it turned out they were just pawns.

By the way, just what is it with these baby-faced rejects from the "Children of the Corn" and their aspirations to be major-league political a-holes?

Why he won’t go away: he has way too many suckers… oops! I mean "supporters"… who think that he’s being "wrongly persecuted by the liberal media".

If my fellow Georgia voters are smart, Reed won’t even make it past the primary and he’ll disappear into obscurity. Unfortunately my fellow Georgia voters are many things… but "smart" is NOT one of them!

Pat Robertson: Everything that Robertson did in 2005 alone should be enough to say that he needs to simply fade away at the end of the year. From the praying for God to "retire" several Supreme Court justices, to his outright DEMAND that the United States ASSASINATE a foreign leader, to his little tirade at the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania, this guy is just a dishtowel away from being mistaken as an Islamic terrorist leader.

Why he won’t go away: Same reason why Ralph Reed won’t go away.

Geraldo Rivera: "Hello, I’m Geraldo Rivera, and the only thing that can ever eclipse my ego is my moustache!"

You’d think that after getting kicked out of Iraq this guy would finally get the hint… but NOOOOO! Instead, he manages to get "A Current Affair" shelved so he can do his own half-hour focus on missing children, cold cases, and any other fear-mongering issue he can come up with.

Why should he go away? Because he’s a fear-monger. "Ohh! Kids are getting seduced online! We’ve got the details! Kids are choking themselves to death! It’s a PANDEMIC!" No, it’s called natural selection.

Why he won’t go away: Because there are just enough people out there who think that he’s doing a good job that will watch his show attentively. Why do you think he ended up with a syndicated show in the first place?

Karl Rove: The Republican Machiavelli who has, thus far, eluded indictment for his role in the illegal outing of Valerie Plame as a CIA agent has now become the personification of all that is wrong with politics today. All of the dirty tricks once attributed to Bill and Hillary Clinton (and to Richard Nixon before them) are now Rove’s dirty little tricks. Because of him we are now describing the political games as being "Rovian"… as in "You just changed the subject! How very Rovian of you."

Why should he go away? Because from his alleged actions, he considers politics to be more important than national security or federal law.

Why he won’t go away: Because he’s still in charge of the Bush Imperium’s inner circle. As long as he can continue to spin things in the Imperium and bring up Bush Junior’s sagging approval numbers, he’ll still have a job. The only thing that will keep him from that job will be an impeachment… or a conviction.

Tom DeLay (or Delay or however he wants to spell his last name): Need I say more? His abuse of power in 2005 should have been proof enough that he needs to go.

Why he won’t go away: There are still plenty of Republican zombies in Texas that will re-elect him. In fact, they’ll probably send him back to Washington in November just to spit in the eyes of the people who indicted him. The only thing that will keep him out of his job will be the following statement: "We the jury find Thomas DeLay GUILTY…"

Cindy Sheehan: She was pretty effective when she was simply the grieving mother of a soldier killed in Iraq. She had a simple mission to get the president to meet with her so he could explain to her why her son had to die. Unfortunately her cause has been assimilated by the liberals so now the only way she can get any kind of media spotlight is to be arrested… which she has been… twice. Sorry Cindy, but your fifteen minutes of fame have expired. It’s time to go home and try to patch things up with your husband.

Why she won’t go away: Actually she might. The novelty has worn off her cause. The only way she can get back in the public eye is to have Air America give her a radio show.

Paris Hilton: Denis Leary said it best… what the fù©# is Paris Hilton’s contribution to society? Seriously. The only thing she’s good for is showing up at parties and making Tara Reid look like a lightweight. You know, maybe she should just take over Tara’s job over on the E! Channel so Tara can spend her time trying to get those "serious" roles that she complains about not getting. At least then Paris could say that she’s doing SOMETHING constructive with her life!

Why she won’t go away: She’s already built a tremendous spin machine to promote herself in anything that doesn’t involve showing her boobs or proving she can’t screw worth a damn.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: I still wonder if Katie has met with and chatted with Tom’s ex-wives. Yes, I said "wives"… as in plural. They were both absolutely gorgeous… until they showed a little age to them. I still think that Mimi Rogers is absolutely HOT and I certainly wouldn’t kick Nicole Kidman out of my bed, and Tom Cruise is OUT OF HIS SCIENTOLOGY MIND to dump these two ladies, even for Katie.

As is, these two put their passions up front and public in 2005 and it turned many people off. You’d think that Tom, of all people, would learn the lessons from his previous marriage about making relationships part of the public viewing. Did he not learn from Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez? Or from Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston? Or Jessica Simpson and Nick Lashey? But I guess that’s asking for way too much from someone who lived his life in the public eye for so long.

Why they won’t go away: Katie’s pregnancy and their pending nuptials will keep the rag mags busy for 2006. Maybe in 2007 they’ll fade away to obscurity. Or he’ll simply dump her for the next cutie.

Hey Katie, one word: PRENUP!

The Writers of Made-For-TV Disaster Movies: Okay, this is a general one, but there’s been only ONE person who made a disaster movie look good, and his name was Irving Allen. Since then we’ve been barraged by really BAD disaster movies on the small screen. If you thought that "Category 6: Day of Destruction" was bad on CBS, then you thankfully didn’t see the sequel last November called "Category 7: The End of the World". Not only did this fictitious mega-storm NOT appear, but the whole show turned out to be a very subtle plug for environmental causes. Yeah, we can save ourselves by shutting off ALL of the power sources when a storm is nearby.

Then again, the Sci-Fi network decided to air a whole plethora of these really BAD disaster movies too. Most of them seemed to involve Dean Cain… maybe they figure he’ll put on the blue tights and play the role of Superman again. And Sci-Fi scrapped Farscape for THIS crap?

Look, guys, do us all a favor and pick up some of Irving’s past works. Stop trying to drop in liberal messages and just focus on people just trying to SURVIVE! Or try to get your hands on the news footage from New Orleans. There’s plenty of material for you to work with. Just don’t try to use it to shove some eco-nut message.

Why they won’t go away: Writers need to get paid too… I should know… and the networks have plenty of time to kill, especially with the whole Reality TV genre losing its mojo.

Okay, that's my short list... if you have any you want to add, feel free to post them in the comments section.