Wednesday, August 26, 2009

They SAY she said...

I won't say who posted this, but it supposedly comes from a woman's perspective. Digest this and my rebuttal at your leisure (and at your risk)...

* Your last name stays put.

So can hers if she so chooses.

* The garage is all yours.

As long as we don't mind working around her Urban Assault Vehicle, and would we go ahead and check the oil while we're in there? She sorta-kinda forgets these things.

* Wedding plans take care of themselves.

She would not WANT us taking care of the wedding!!! This is HER day, this is HER dream come true, this is HER "happily ever after", and she will REMIND us of that a million times between proposal and honeymoon.

* Chocolate is just another snack.

We just allow for alternatives. Beer... pizza... chips...

* You can be President.

So can she nowadays. Didn't we have this conversation just last year?

* You can never be pregnant.

And she will NEVER LET US FORGET THAT!

* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

So can she, if she's not self-conscious about it.

* You can wear NO shirt to a water park

And we REALLY wish she could too.

* Car mechanics tell you the truth

They just can't BS us as much, but they do try.

* The world is your urinal.

Better plumbing. Still not a good trade-off if you consider what goes into a prostrate check.

* You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

We don't always have to sit down - see above.

* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

She doesn't have to figure out how to thread a needle.

* Same work, more pay.

We're getting laid off more and being forced to accept less for the same work if we DO get hired. You want to trade?

* Wrinkles add character.

But not appeal or stamina. For that you need green.

* Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

Nobody compliments us on the tux.

* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

Better conversation pieces.

* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

We don't consciously engage in masochism to look more appealing. Unless you count hair transplants... and those vacuum-things that pull on our... nevermind...

* One mood all the time.

She asks us to cry, she wants us to cry, then when we cry she wishes we didn't and thinks we have a mommy-complex. If we are of one mood it is because SHE insisted upon it.

* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

That's because we like face-to-chest conversations better!

* You know stuff about tanks..

We have experience in having to protect ourselves from merciless assaults.

* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

So can hers if she didn't plan for fifty activities for each day of that vacation.

* You can open all your own jars..

She can take off her own bra...

* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

We're having to work from an emotional deficit and an expectation of thoughtlessness.

* If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend

We don't use social niceties as tools of psychological warfare. (See the reference about tanks.)

* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Not for the underwear SHE WANTS us to wear!!! Besides, $8.95? That's in the BOYS section! Men's section is at $12.95.

* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

We're not complimented on our choice of footwear. If ours stand out, we get laughed at.

* You almost never have strap problems in public.

We don't design clothes that are incompatible with bras and then require women to wear them underneath those clothes.

* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

We see them, we just don't care about them.

* Everything on your face stays its original color.

You apparently haven't seen my photo...

* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

Presuming we still have hair.

* You only have to shave your face and neck.

... and back and shoulders and butt and the... well... DOWN THERE!

* You can play with toys all your life.

She accuses us of not growing up.

* One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

We don't make it a big deal to be in sync with the seasons.

* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

That's because she doesn't value our legs.

* You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

And when the people who make the Swiss Army knives come up with one with a built-in polish brush with gloss, then so can she.

* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Yes, we can choose to never have a girlfriend ever again... not much of a choice if you think about it.

And speaking of which... WE weren't the ones that insisted that HER grooming habits make her look underage! (And YOU KNOW which area I'm talking about!)

And finally...

* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

As long as they don't mind they come from the $.99 Store. And besides, who came up with the saying "It's the THOUGHT that counts?" Maybe if she encouraged us to have more than one mood, we'd put better appreciation into these things!


Well, there you have it...

1 comment:

Carrie said...

Amusing article. Hope you don't mind me putting a few comments in...

* You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

Or you can swallow your pride and get the toilet paper out to cover the seat.

* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

It's the new millenium, women can be knowledgeable about tools if they want to study up on it.

* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Just buy shoes that are comfy. It's the reason I don't wear high heels.

* One mood all the time.

What about the ones that are bi-polar?

* You know stuff about tanks..

What's stopping you from learning?

* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Can be done for women if you pack smart.

* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Given that I have feet that are difficult to find shoes for, I hate shoe shopping and am happy with three pairs myself.

* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

So can women if they choose not to give a damn about the people they shop for.