Wednesday, December 24, 2008

This just in... Bush Bails Santa Claus!

White House Bails Santa
Treaury Department To Issue $30 Billion After Congress Fails

WASHINGTON DC - (Whazituya News Service) The Bush Administration has announced that they will be authorizing $30 billion of the $700 billion bailout program to aid in Santa's Workshop in the North Pole.

"Children may still be nestled all snug in their beds," said Treasury spokesman Ima B. Glyer, "but they no longer have visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, and we can no longer pretend that they do. Santa needs this money just as much as any other struggling company."

The bailout program comes days after President George W. Bush and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson authorized the spending of $17 billion in financial assistance for the US automakers following the failure of Congress to authorize $15 billion in a separate program. While Democrats in both the House and the Senate had intended to approve up to $25 billion for Santa, the measure was pulled after Senate Republicans had threatened a filibuster.

"The members of the Senate are acting like grinches," said Glyer. "They watch as an institution that has brought joy to countless billions of boys and girls for generations collapse. President Bush said that was unacceptable, and we agree."

What was not mentioned, however, is an explanation of where the $30 billion will come from, since the first half of the allocated $350 billion from the Paulson bailout has already been spent, with the remaining $17 billion going to the automakers. Glyer says that will be up to the Congress to work out in January.

"This was a time for quick decisions, and since Congress was unwilling to make the right decision, President Bush decided he needed to make it. This is truly an institution that is too big to fail."

Santa's Toy Factory Incorporated has been posting negative gains for several years, blaming most of it on the demand for hi-tech items such as video gamess and televisions, as well as the mass-production of cheap imports from China.

A spokesman for Santa's Toy Factory says that Santa welcomes the effort of the Bush Administration to come to their aid in a dire time of need, although they refuse to comment as to whether or not President George W. Bush would be put on the "nice" list because of it.

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