You Lying Sacks of Crap!

Okay boys and girls, I've got a BIG beef with Comedy Central!

For the past few months, these guys have been claiming to run "unedited" movies on their "Secret Stash" show. Now these are done at 1am, well past the 10pm "indecency" restrictions set down by the dictatorial Federalist Christian Censors.

Comedy Central CLAIMS that these movies are all aired UNEDITED, UNCUT, and UNCENSORED. Remember those three words. Remember them well.

Up until now, the only movies that Comedy Central have been running in their "Secret Stash" comprised on Eddie Murphy's movie "Raw", "South Park: The Movie" (for obvious reasons), and the unedited ramblings of every celebrity roast that the channel normally broadcasts and censors the crap out of. Okay, so dropping the F-bomb, S-bomb, and using every bigoted slang and stereotype possible is fine by Comedy Central at 1am.

So now last night, just jumping channels while preparing to go to sleep, I see that Comedy Central is preparing to air "Fast Times At Ridgemont High". Now I thought that THIS would be a good test of the censors and a good test for Comedy Central, so just out of laughs and giggles, I programmed my DVD recorder to tape it.

So the start of the movie start off well. I see the claims about this being "unedited", "uncut", and "uncensored". I see the "this movie contains strong language and adult situations" disclaimer. I see the "TV MA" rating with the "L" (language) and "S" (sex) qualifications underneath it. Then THIS little disclaimer gets thrown in: "this movie has been edited for time restraints and content."

WHAT?

"Unedited", "Uncut", and "Uncensored" MEANS just that! This is a 92-minute movie. When scheduled for a 2-hour timeslot, that leaves you with 28 minutes of commercial time. That's almost 1/4 of the timeslot! That's MORE than enough time to keep the sponsors happy. And even if it goes over, then it frigging GOES OVER! That is what UNCUT means!

Okay, fine. A minor screw-up.

So now I'm scrolling through the scenes. I know that there are THREE instances of R-rated nudity in this movie, including the famous "Pool Fantasy" scene, which was recreated in the Fountains of Wayne video "Stacy's Mom". (Caution: link is NSFW.) I've seen the original movie before, so there's nothing about it that shocks me. In fact it's rather tame in my opinion. (Hey, when you have Playmates as your friends, the excitement bar gets set pretty high.) But it's a good test to see just how far the censors go.

The first test: the feel-up dugout scene. Hacked to pieces. EDITED! CENSORED! I know that Jennifer Jason Leigh doesn't have much to begin with, but come on! FAILED!

The second test: the infamous "Pool Fantasy" with Phoebe Cates. EDITED! CENSORED! We see the lame "Made-For-TV" hack instead! FAILED!

The third test: the pool house sex scene. THIS should have been the big test right here. Ms. Leigh pretty much shows what she has during this "quickie" segment. EDITED! CENSORED! FAILED!

WHAT THE HELL???

Remember those three words? UNEDITED, UNCUT, and UNCENSORED??? Which part of those three words do the folks at Comedy Central not understand? Seriously, I want to know!

Here's a pop quiz worthy of Mr. Hand: if you promote the airing of a movie as UNEDITED, UNCUT, and UNCENSORED, and then you discover that segments of the movie have been hacked to pieces... what do you call that?

Come on Stoner Spicoli, this should be a simple one for you... you promote something being one thing and then don't deliver on it... what do you call that?

You could have said LYING, dude, that would have worked, but the correct answer is FALSE ADVERTISING! No pizza slice for you.

That is what Comedy Central is guilty of. They are guilty of FALSE ADVERTISING!

What bothers me is that it's not just Comedy Central. There are other cable channels that make similar promises and then hack the crap out of their programming. And then these cable executives wonder why we the viewing public are not watching their channels as frequently!

I'll make it really simple... so simple a redneck from Alabama or a Geiko caveman can understand it. It's 1am. It's way past the "decency time" as mandated by the Federalist Christian Censors. If you can say the F-word, then you can show it. If you can say the word "tits", then you can show them. If you can show cartoon characters flinging crap at each other, then you can show a bare breast or two! If you promise something to be UNCENSORED and UNEDITED and UNCUT, then, dammit, YOU SHOW IT LIKE THAT!

And if you CANNOT do that, then do us all a favor and don't air the program at all! Don't promise something that YOU KNOW you can never deliver!

And as an extra homework assignment, I want you to watch this video clip from my friends over at FCCFU.com. This is from Carlos Mencia... host of "Mind of Mencia"... which airs on WHICH channel? Yes, Comedy Central.