Monday, July 20, 2009

TV that SUCKS!

Okay boys and girls, I'm going to blow my stack on this subject, so bear with me.

I just went through the perfect reason to have a DVR. In other words, yes, I just finished watching the second half of the 2-part "Meteor" movie on NBC.

Now I remember the ORIGINAL 1979 "Meteor" movie starring the Sean Connery, Natalie Wood, Brian Keith, Henry Fonda, and Karl Malden. It wasn't exactly "Earthquake" or "The Towering Inferno", but it also stuck with two things: the drama of getting Americans and Russians to work together, and the effects of having small meteors hit while trying to stop the big one.

The updated "Meteor" two-part movie was an even bigger waste of time.

First of all, same premise as the original version. A comet hits a huge asteroid and sends it to Earth. Smaller asteroids preceed it and cause all sorts of damage. America decides the only way to stop the global-killing asteroid from hitting Earth is to launch nuclear missiles. Yes the same missiles that were sitting in silos for over fifty years and we don't know if they would even launch, never mind make it into space, never mind hit something in orbit.

What complicates matters, though, are a series of people who are idiots or people who have no business being in the movie other than to waste time. And most of this movie is wasting time. We have emergency preparedness instructions that somehow don't work. We have evil killers looking for revenge that don't want to stay dead. We have a genius who was so smart he was banished to Mexico for being a flake, and an assistant who is supposedly just as smart as the flake who has to take over once he's killed and most of the time she's constantly whining about needing to get someplace she never really GETS to! Oh, and she seems to be cursed with every possible evil and danger that a lame-ass screenwriter could come up with to DRAG this failed abomination through all four hours.

Yes, we have the Russians along for the ride, and the Chinese too for good measure, but this little trinket from the original story gets inserted as an afterthought at nearly the end of this abomination and instantly lost by the whiny little prissy girl-genius desperately trying to hide her mammary glands while at the same time crying about not being able to get to where she never ends up in because Murphy's Law is seemingly on a bigger rag than her!

I swear if I didn't have my DVR so I could fast-forward through ninty-nine percent of this crap I would have either destroyed my TV set or took a running leap off the balcony! That is how badly this whole thing SUCKED!

And advertisers actually PAID for this crap? They PAID for this? They really paid MONEY for this? This wasn't a quid-pro-quo deal? They should demand a refund!

Of course a good part of the whole four hours was for in-house advertising. They wanted to whore out their new season of mind-numbing programs. Like the rescue teams that run into super-disasters. And the self-righteous baby-faced nurse that arrogantly claims to know more than doctors that went through all those years of medical school.

By the way, can someone PLEASE find these TV executives and slap them silly until they agree to STOP CREATING SHOWS ABOUT KNOW-IT-ALL NURSES? It's bad enough that you flooded the airwaves with burned-out doctors that pretend to care, and flaky cops that acutally catch bad guys. What's next? The insurance adjuster that actually PAYS THE CLAIM?

Oh, and even worse, they kept on hyping THE NEXT DISASTER SPECIAL of theirs, which you know will be a DISASTER in more ways than one!

Somewhere in Los Angels, Irwin Allen is spinning in his grave. HE knew how to do a disaster movie where the only disaster was on the screen, not in the production!

The "BIG" earthquake, the "BIG" California-splitting "Where is Superman" earthquake, the "BIG" continent-splitting earthquake, the killer storm cell, the SUPER-killing storm cell generated by all of the evil electricity, the asteroid shower that actually makes the 1980's arcade game look good...



Every single one of you TV producers and directors and screenwriters who think that you can create a mega-disater film, YOU ALL SUCK!

My cat squeezes out better quality material every day when he goes to the litter box!

What is it with Hollywood? Why can't they come up with a good STORY? I mean was Bernie Madoff THAT much of a Ponzi Schemer that he took your money AND your brains? Are you intentionally TRYING to shove us all into the Internets?

Or maybe you want us to seek sanctuary at the local cineplex, where we can watch QUALITY movies about...

... never mind.


Carrie said...

I can understand your pain. It's like they try to copy what was popular without studying what made it good in the first place. One problem I have is why do so many of those crime shows (with the exception of NCIS) have such dull, generic females?

David 2 said...

The crime shows have dull generic females because the producers didn't want the story to be about them. They wanted the story to be about the investigation. Plus they're afraid that if the story is about the females that they would want it to be ALL ABOUT the female characters.

To some extent you can see it with NCIS. How many times have we had an episode dedicated to the great mystery that is Ziva David? There were more about her than were focusing on Gibbs or DiNozzo.

Carrie said...

I see what you mean about focusing on the cases, but if the characters are dull it makes you care less about the story.