Monday, December 06, 2004

So which way does YOUR tree lean?

Well I'm sure most people realize that America has become politically polarized of late. "Red" states versus "blue" ones, "metro" versus "retro", "progressives" versus "traditionalists", cognitive thinkers versus fundamentalist...

But did you know that this polarization has affected the holiday season as well? Well why not? It's affected everything else!

For instance, how many conservatives have discovered that their Christmas trees have a distinct lean towards the left? And no matter what you do, that lean is always there? No, you're not imagining things, Dittoheads, you ended up with a "liberal" tree!

So I'm sure some of you diehard crusaders are saying "So what? We survived eight years of Clinton, we'll survive through Christmas with a liberal tree!"

Well don't be surprised if you notice that your tree becomes a little stubborn when it comes time to put up the decorations.

For starters, it'll reject that traditional angel you put on the top of it. It'll constantly try to topple that thing off its crown. It'll welcome a star... as long as it comes from Hollywood. You'll also notice that your lights will burn out a little faster if they're on a liberal tree. You see, the tree will do everything to try to get you to cut down on electricity, so the fewer lights that get power, the less electricity that is needed, and the less pollution that gets cranked out by those electrical companies. It'll also shed that tinsel and those plastic ornaments faster than a goose during molting season. And forget putting a manger scene under that tree... because it'll be covered with pine needles from day one.

Oh, and I'm sorry, conservatives, but you cannot "Hannitize" these liberal trees. They're pissed off already by the sheer volume of books that were created from the slaughter of their brothers and sisters in the forrest.

Meanwhile, of course, many liberals end up making the mistake of getting a "conservative" tree to serve as their "seasonal celebration" tree. It's not hard to spot them... after all, they will always have a lean to the right, no matter how much wire you string up and how much you pad the base. And forget trying to put up ribbons and popcorn strings. These trees won't look good at all unless it has some electrical lights on them. And it will WANT an angel on it. Not a star, but an actual Christian angel.

Oh, and a good conservative tree will drink a lot of water... and none of that purified and filtered bottled water either! It'll need straight tap water or else it will shrivel up and DIE on you! And you don't want to be responsible for the death on an innocent tree, do you?

But don't worry, I haven't forgotten the rest of America... much like humans, there are some Christmas trees that are "libertarian"... in that they always have that forward lean to it. These are usually great trees to have. They give great pine scents to them, they have full branches and healthy needles, and you can put any kind of decoration on it and it will look great. And to keep the tree from completely falling over, you have to tie things to the right and to the left of it.

Of course there are also "tyrannical" trees as well... constantly leaning towards the back. But for some reason Americans don't want to do anything about those trees. They just demand a lot of attention, drink water like a sponge, get dry real quickly, their trunk is loaded with sap so you can't even get near it without getting all sticky, and you usually find at least one dead animal in its branches, which eventually will stink up the place even after you remove it. They are prone to falling over, but because they usually hit the back wall, most folks don't give a crap about them... they're instead concerned about the damage they cause to the ornaments and lights when they do tip.

So you see, my friends, how important it is to get a tree that matches your political affiliation. After all, your choice of a tree can affect how you celebrate the season!

But in all seriousness... have you noticed that people don't like how a tree leans, no matter what direction it leans towards? They prefer a tree that stands straight in middle, and they will do everything possible to make sure it stays right in the middle. Can you imagine how our trees would look if we REALLY set them up and decorated them according to our political affiliations? Cripes, the White House tree would be horizontal, with an ongoing debate over which SIDE the tree it should be horizontal on!

Something to think about, folks.

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