Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest

Okay, so my parents call me up on Thursday night with an interesting idea. "Why don’t you go over to our place on Saturday, have a nice Caribbean meal, and then go watch the ‘Pirates’ movie?"

Now when they say "the ‘Pirates’ movie", they mean the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie starring Johnny Depp. You know, the one that broke box office records and trashed any possible success streak of "Superman Returns", which was a movie that I REALLY liked.

Okay, so I make the trek across to my parents’ place, where we had a GREAT dinner consisting of steamed clams, shrimp, and fresh fruit. The only thing missing was the rum. That was okay, though, because I had been taking some OTC medication this past week and I didn’t want to screw it up.

Then we went to see the movie. It was just after 6, so I told my father we wanted to see the 6:45 show, not the 6:15 show. You see, we have this bad habit of getting the movie that starts in five minutes, then spending fifteen minutes waiting in the refreshments line for the popcorn, soda, and of course the special run for the locked-up bag of Twizzlers. (And why is it that the Twizzlers are ALWAYS locked up in the back? They're not made of gold! What putz of a manager came up with THAT policy?) Then, when we do get into the theater, the lights are out, the movie’s about to start (or it already has started), and there’s no good seating for three without getting so close to the screen that you can see and count nose-hairs.

So I told my father 6:45, not 6:15. I go with him to make sure he says "three adults for the 6:45 show", which he does.

We get the tickets, they say 6:15.

Great.

No refreshments, no soda, no Twizzlers, just get there and thankfully there were three seats ready just far away from the screen to enjoy the movie without looking up noses. And, it turned out, thankfully so.

Now I’m wishing we had the rum.

The story starts out with the attempted wedding of Elizabeth Swan and William Turner being ruined by the march of British Redcoats. (The Redcoats are coming! The Redcoats are coming!) Turns out they’re both wanted for their association with and assistance to the infamous CAPT’N Jack Sparrow. BUT the new "lord" and representative of the East India Trading Company will let them both free if Will can get a certain compass from Sparrow.

It turns out, though, that Sparrow and the crew of the Black Pearl have some problems all their own. Seems Sparrow made a deal with Davy Jones for his command of the Pearl. 13 years of service as captain of the Pearl, then he’s to join Davy Jones and his crew of the Flying Dutchman, just like Will’s father, "Bootstrap" Turner, did. (Yeah, I know, he’s dead… long story.) Sparrow only got to enjoy two years as captain before getting kicked out by a mutiny (which was where the first movie came in), but that doesn’t matter to Davy Jones. A deal’s a deal.

So now we have Sparrow running to dry ground and looking for a certain "key" to open a certain "chest" that contains a certain "treasure". We have Will looking for Sparrow. We have Elizabeth dressing up as a boy and looking for Will and Sparrow. (Not hard to imagine… Keira Knightley wasn’t exactly blessed with too many curves.) And we even have the former British bad-guy from the first movie looking for revenge. Why? Well it's also part of the story.

And yet… I’m sorry, but I wasn’t that impressed by this movie.

Yes, there were some good comedic scenes. There was some action. Yes, there were some moments when you would wonder just what the hell would happen next. But it was still way too long and drawn out. There was a lot about fish guts and blood and death and being undead with a ship full of people who rot away and become half-oceanic. And this in a fully-credited DISNEY movie? (A few parents who foolishly brought their tax deductions with them were wondering about that as well.)

I liked the first "Pirates" movie. I really did. The banter between Will Turner and Jack Sparrow - not to mention the outrageous performance of the actors - was what kept that movie going. But that banter didn’t carry over to this sequel. This movie was way too long and you were praying for the credits.

Now, let’s compare that to "Superman Returns". When the end credits started rolling for "Superman Returns", the audience actually APPLAUDED! Now I don’t get to see too many movies, but I do know that when the audience applauds, it’s a good thing.

When the end credits rolled for "Pirates", there was no applause. There was a sense of relief that it was over and several audience members actually said, "I didn’t get it."

And yet "Pirates" will go down in the record books as "trouncing Superman".

THAT is an unforgivable injustice as far as this commentator is concerned.

So if you’re going to go see this movie, I only have one recommendation: bring rum. Lots of it.